This conflict took place between two of my aunts; let’s name them Aunt E and Aunt L.
Aunt E had just sold her flat but due to some last minute delays with the renovation in her new flat, she had to stay in a temporarily rented room in a flat nearby with my uncle and cousins for a week. As there were other occupants in the flat and she was the only female, throughout that week, she frequented between Aunt L’s house and the rented apartment, spending time at the former place when my uncle was out at work and only returning to the rented apartment when he was back.
I give tuition to my cousins every Saturday morning. It so happened that on the Saturday that I was supposed to give my cousins tuition, Aunt E was at Aunt L’s house, and she requested me to go over to Aunt L’s house instead. Upon reaching Aunt L’s house, I realised that Aunt E had not informed Aunt L that I was going over to her house to give tuition and Aunt L voiced her displeasure at this arrangement. Aunt E did not take her seriously and in reply, explained that she had sought permission to stay at Aunt L’s house for the day, and assumed that Aunt L would not mind me going over too. Aunt L’s anger was certainly not appeased and when Aunt E left, she told my grandmother to inform Aunt E that she was not to go to her house again. She had felt that as the owner of the house, she should have been respected and informed of the arrangement beforehand. Upon hearing this, Aunt E, too, became angry and felt that Aunt L was being unreasonable. Over this issue, they gave each other the cold shoulder for several weeks.
The cause of this conflict was that Aunt E had assumed that being familiar with each other, she need not go into details when seeking permission. Aunt L could have been in a bad mood at that time and Aunt E's insensitivity, though seemed minor alone, triggered her anger and worsened the situation.
Although the conflict has since been resolved (I guess time heals wounds), how could it have been prevented? Also, what lessons can we learn from this incident?
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Hi Jolene,
ReplyDeleteMy sense on this is that prevention probably lies in the time before the incident even took place. From my understanding of the situation, Aunt L was probably getting increasingly annoyed at the arrangement and the incident only brought out those emotions as it had probably touched a soft-spot.
My feeling is that the power of prevention would lie with Aunt E, who seems to be guilty of taking Aunt L's hospitality for granted. Possibly, more communication and frequent demonstrations of gratitude might have helped(like small gifts etc).
This situation is a good example of how miscommunication can lead to cascading issues. I think an aspect of Asian culture does play a role here. We take a lot of courtesies for granted, especially with those we have family ties. For example, it would be very common back home to put a family member through a lot of trouble and not say a 'Thank you' or an 'I love you' for what they have done. That apparently goes 'unsaid' as he/she 'obviously' knows how much he/she means to us.
It is never the case and I found the difference startling when I interacted with friends with an upbringing elsewhere the smallest of courtesies were observed and there was possibly a higher degree of what could be termed 'formal' behavior. While there is no good or bad, I feel these courtesies do help prevent such situation. It is a good rule to take nothing for granted.
Hi Jolene,
ReplyDeleteGlad to know that the conflict has been resolved. Nevertheless, we should learn from their mistakes in order to prevent history from repeating itself!
My opinion will be that both parties since the start of the conflict have the abilities to reduce the tension but are blinded by their emotions. Thus, both parties did not put in an extra effort to prevent the conflict from developing. Aunt E could have explained her reasons for bringing your cousins over to Aunt L’s place. Aunt L could possibly try to contain her dissatisfaction and subtly let Aunt E knows about the inconvenience of her arrangement. Given that they are both siblings, a soft approach should be sufficient to work and also reduce the tense settings.
I’m sure both of them understand the phrase “blood is thicker than water”. Hence, it should not be difficult for them to talk it out given that there are family bonds.
Perhaps, it is due to saving one own face that prevented both of them to take immediate action to prevent the conflict from developing. That’s my observation from Asian families, where seniority plays a significant role. Thus, if both of your aunts can understand what their intuitive self would do and put their pride aside, the conflict could have been avoided. As long as either one party starts to take some action to stop the conflict from developing, most likely the other party will understand and reciprocate. Perhaps my above comments are based on a few assumptions but I’m sure those assumptions are valid enough to apply to your scenario. Agree?
Hi Jolene,
ReplyDeleteI think this entire conflict started with insensitivity and the lack of communication between both your aunts. I feel that such family conflict is very common, at least to me. It seems like people tend to be less sensitive and tolerant towards one another, in the family. On the contrary, such problems often arise because they often assume that more leeway will be allowed.
In this case, Aunt E simply assumes that Aunt L is fine with her arrangements. While Aunt L assumes that Aunt E is unaware of her unhappiness and thus, seek help from your grandmother. If such assumptions were to be put aside, I’m sure there will not be a conflict.
I do agree with Godwin that if it were to happen again, a soft approach would be sufficient to solve the problem. Since now that the conflict is resolved, I feel that Aunt E and Aunt L should take this opportunity to reflect about it and talk to each other about it.
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ReplyDeleteHello Jolene,
ReplyDeleteI wonder how you must have felt being caught in the middle of the conflict. It must have been quite an unpleasant experience.
In this situation, it was Aunt E who could have prevented the conflict; I agree with Rohan that she had taken Aunt L's hospitality for granted. But the course of action Aunt L took wasn't appropriate either. Being adults, I think Aunt L could have confronted Aunt E on the matter by herself, rather than through an intermeidary, who was your grandmother. Moreover, your grandmother could have been given the chance to voice her opinion on the matter, rather than being asked to convey a message.
Ultimately, I believe Aunt E could have been more sensitive to how others might feel. Being angry upon hearing Aunt L's decision could have rubbed salt into the wound. Perhaps she felt that Aunt L's decision would have caused her immediate discomfort, because she would have to be in a flat with mostly males, thus triggering the anger. But Aunt E could have put herself in Aunt L's shoes - being the owner (the one who earned the flat), there are certain fundamental rights, such as being informed and having the final say on decisions pertaining to the flat.
Perhaps Aunt L wasn't unhappy about the tuition, rather, she could have been unhappy about Aunt E's disregard for Aunt L's acknowledgment of the matter. At least that is how I'd feel if I'm in Aunt L's shoes.
The conflict could have been prevented with more sensitivity from both Aunts L and E. But I feel Aunt E could have exercised more of it in this context.
However, what I mentioned could be easier said than done. Godwin made a good point about "saving face". I suppose "saving face" is saving pride. In some asian cultures, perhaps being the first to give in or expressing sensitivity to family members or relatives could be interpreted as submissiveness, a trait some asians usually don't want to be associated with. That could be the agent of conflict, my two cents in.
The lessons I learnt from the above-mentioned incident are firstly, being sensitive could potentially go a long way in fostering good relationships. Secondly, from what Rohan mentioned, it is always best to take nothing for granted. Third, there is a reason for everything, such as anger, be it personal or situational reasons, and we should be well aware how these reasons justify the anger. Lastly, having pride is good, but don't let it stand in our way when we know we honestly want to resolve a conflict.
Thanks for reading my comments!
Thank you, Jolene, for sharing this family problem with us. Though, as Godwin states, "blood is thicker than water," most major disputes take place in the family, and in fact, most major gun violence in the US takes place between family members. Of course, I'm not suggesting that your aunts' conflict would ever result in violence. However, it is clear that passions can run deep even between sisters (am I assuming correctly that tye are sisters?).
ReplyDeleteJust a note of clarification: In this phrase "she frequented between Aunt L’s house and the rented apartment, " do you mean to say that Aunt E was going back and forth brtween these two places?
In this phrase "the former place when my uncle was out at work and only returning to the rented apartment" are the two places mentioned the same place. The wording makes this a bit unclear.
You've generated lots of good feedback with this. I look ofrward to seeing how it was resolved.
Hi Jolene,
ReplyDeleteYour blog post is another perfect example of communication breakdown when people ASSUME that their audience has understood their intention, be it from a verbal or non verbal message.
I do agree with Rohan that Aunt E has taken Aunt L's hospitality for granted. She should have sought permission from Aunt L first before asking you to go over to her house for tuition. Also, Aunt E should understand why Aunt L reacts strongly to her arrangements. After all, she must constantly remind herself that Aunt L is the rightful owner of the house. Through the act of asking, she is indicating to Aunt L that she still respects her.
I think that Aunt L should tell Aunt E directly how she feels about her action. Conveying messages through the 3rd party is not good after all, for the 3rd party may misunderstand the message, and distorts its meanings when relaying the message to the intended recipient. Also, by doing so, it may make Aunt E feel that Aunt L is very petty and often gossip about her behind her back.
From your post, I have learnt that sensitivity is another crucial factor in maintaining a long term relationship. If we are not sensitive towards others' feelings, we may tend to say the wrong words at the wrong time. As a result, we may provoked them and cause the relationship in jeopardy.
I am glad that the conflict between your 2 aunts has resolved before the upcoming Chinese New Year.